Closure, please?

 SALAM SATU NOVEMBER!

*tiberr*

Assalamualaikum dan hai. 

Apa khabar semorang? Oke ke tu? Harap semua semakin baik-lah dengan keadaan sekarang. 

Harini rasa nak menulis sebab aku ada satu persoalan yang dah lamaaaaa membelenggu fikiran aku. Aku taktau nak tanya siapa or nak refer siapa. Tujuan aku tulis dekat sini pun sebab aku nak benda ni get out of my head. The more aku simpan, the more benda ni mengganggu aku. Jadi kepada kalian yang membaca, cuba bagi buah fikiran sikit lepas ni eh? 😁 

Let's begin, that I was in an unhealthy relationship before. I am firm that we didnt end the relationship with a good term. We both left each other without any closure on what/where we went wrong. In the beginning, I tried to hold on. Not giving a chance to let it go, or giving up. I tried to gain his attention. But he didnt get it. He let his eyes and mind on others. I believe, I did ask him what does he want. I ask him whether he want the relationship to end, or did he lost interest in me. And none of the questions get its answer. Not even a solid answer. I would say, I was left hanging. 

He did so much, yet so many chances were given to him. He could go days of not talking to me, and the next day he come to me as if nothing happen. Another day he would ghosts me again, and then come to talk to me the next day. With me being a stupid fella, the circle goes on for years. What a waste of time. Hah! 

One day, something happened to me that make me down to the lowest point of my life. You guess it right, he wasnt there to comfort me. That was the point that knock the sense in my head. I decided to walk away, similar way as he did to me before. It just that I ignored him for days, not even a moment I entertain his call or texts. Until he gave up. 

A year later, he came back to ask for closure on what happened that make me avoiding him. Alia kan baik. Layan kan aje. Hahahah. For almost a year jugak lah layan dia balik. Throughout that one year of 'getting back', nampaknya beliau tidak berubah ya. Semacam masih sama dengan beliau yang dulu. Hm. Takpelah. Layan je lahh. Tak fikir jodoh pun, fikir nak berkawan je. Maka saya pun membiarkan perkara itu. Just follow the flow omputeh kataa. 

Long story short, I decided to actually walk away from his life. Without having a talk with him, I just left. My decision of walking out of that 'relationship' was due to my own health, mental health especially. Weh, penat weh berperang dengan diri sendiri nak jaga relationship padahal the other party bolayan je. Mampos! 

So, I'm off from any relationship, thinking to heal myself. It has been 2 or 3 years? Tetapi nampaknya macam tak heal eh? Sebab masih memikirkan hal ni. 😅 Takpelah. I'm good, anyways. Hahaha. 

(Disclaimer: this is just one-sided story. Not even a full-length story.) 

p/s: If you read this, I leave it to you to decide nak bagi closure or not. You didnt owe me any explanation. :)

**

Tak. I tipu. I really need you to explain it to me. I really wish for you to make me understand what and why you do what you did. 

01112021_1900

August Update

Hewwu ssup guys! 

You good or no good? I hope you good, lah eh? Challenging time but I guess everybody is numb already with the current situation. I might sound ignorant, but for god sake I dont know what to think anymore. Let us just focus on ourself and our circle, okey? For those that are not affected, let's be grateful and not throwing any negativity outside. For those that affected, I pray that God give you strength, to go through everything. May the best be with you, someday. :)

It's August alreadyyyy! 2022 is approaching in few months. Tiba-tiba dah nak tahun baru dah padiaaaa niii. I am still can not digesting what had happened, though it happens anyways. Everything is so sudden. Tiba-tiba dah 2020. Tiba-tiba kita semua terima perintah berkurung. Tiba-tiba semuanya dah tak sama macam semalam. Missing the old days. Missing the old routine, activities and all. May all this get over soon, soonest possible. 

Oh, new month right. New milestone for me! I got a job. First job, I guess? Right after I submitted my MBA thesis, I got a job interview. Me being me. Aku taktau lah bila aku akan nampak yakin bila jumpa orang. Benci betul! But yaa. I secured a job. Though it just a 6-months-contract job, it still a job. At least I got to do something to earn an income. I need to look for other jobs eventually, but let's take this as a stepping stone to polish my skills in the working industry. 

Talking about the experience so far, I am not sure how to tell you. Since the entire country is going through a full lockdown, I reported duty online. Hahahah funny. At first I thought I wouldnt get to go to the office maybe one or two months. But I went to the office once a week on July since the department was organizing an important meeting almost every week. Maybe it is because its July, mid of the year. As one of the staff, I was assigned to handle the logistics and administrative work for the meeting purpose. So I got the chance to go to the office and meet the other colleague physically, face-to-face. Though it is not everyone but it's good, I guess. So the first week went by. Then come the second week, another big meeting coming in, another days of coming to the office. And July end. 

I'm good so far. With the works and assignments. It just that I only performing a job when there is an assignment. No assignment means no job. No job means nothing to do. Nothing to do means? Waiting for jobs lah. Hahahah. But based on colleagues, it is the culture of the department. If there is no job, everyone just sit there, waiting for a job. Now there is arahan to work in the office alternately, some more. Melepak je laaa kat ofis tu bila takde kerja. Sumpah tak reti siaa. Aku dah biasa sibuk-sibuk, ada banyak benda to handle on my plate. Tiba-tiba ada sikit je kerja. Nak cari kerja pun tak tau nak mintak kat sape. Masa wfh, taktau nak approach sape mintak kerja. Masa bdp, takde orang pulak kat ofis nak buat mintak kerja. Hahahah. Takpelah. Memang ini pun jobscope nya. Lol. 

I'm signing out. Thank you for reading, guys. See you when I see you.

0118_10082021

Half of 2021.

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. 

Hope you guys are doing good and standing strong. 

It's July. Half of the year has gone by. How was it for you? Is it great? Or struggling? I believe everyone is struggling hard. To survive, to breathe, to peacefully live. Keep going, everyone. It is challenging, I know. But I want you to keep going ahead. If you are tired, get some rest and catch a breath. I know we are all done with what is happening right now that is slowly killing us inside. But I have nothing to tell you other than to be patient and still, keep going on. Hard, yet nothing else we could do. The fact that we got to survive until today, is great enough. We should be proud of that. "Celebrate small win," people said. 🙆

It's a brand new month. I'm leaving everything behind. All that has happened, and looking forward to what to be served to me in the future. To begin a story, I have submitted my thesis the other day. I managed to get it done for about 1 year and a half. Others might be able to finish it within the time period which is 6 months. But for me, it was a struggling period. The fact that I got to get everything done has made me proud of myself. The fact that I managed to survive this whole MBA journey, is making me speechless. All the crying episodes, breakdown sampai berhenti tepi jalan just to cry, restless days and sleepless nights. Wehhhh. Please tell me that you are proud of me, because I am. 😅 And of course. I wouldnt be where I am today without the support from my batchmate and friends. Supportive terokx ah semorang.Congrats sebab mampu survive sampai harini. I'm so proud of us. 

I'm going to talk a lot when I get the results later. Hahaha. Sayounara, minna! 

01072021_2300

Saya Telah Divaksinasi!

 Assalamualaikum. 

Good day, everyone! 😂 It has been a while. How are you guysssss? I hope everybody is doing good and well. Despite current situation, pandemic, lockdown, yada yada. 

As for today, I decided to write in my native language, instead of English. Jadi, ayuh! 

Seperti yang tertera sebagai tajuk, saya telah pun divaksinasi! Saya telah terima dos pertama saya bagi vaksin bernama AstraZeneca, atau AZ sebagai singkatan, pada 1 Jun yang lalu. Proses dan pengalaman dalam mendapatkan vaksin itu sangatlah lancar dan teratur. Ada beberapa artikel yang dibaca di ruangan sosial, katanya ada yang perlu beratur panjang selama berjam, ada yang tidak dibenarkan masuk ke ruangan vaksinasi atas sebab-sebab tertentu, dan sebagainya. Tetapi, Alhamdulillah, apa yang saya alami sangatlah menyenangkan. 

Temujanji saya adalah pada jam 6 petang, dan saya sampai di tempat kejadian lebih kurang setengah jam awal. Semuanya boleh dianggap mudah daripada pintu masuk sehinggalah ke dewan pemberian vaksinasi. Ada banyak papan tanda sebagai petunjuk, jadi saya rasa tiada masalah tersesat atau tidak jumpa jalan ke dewan vaksinasi. Sesampainya di kawasan dewan, saya dapati tempat meletakkan kenderaan yang disediakan juga cukup untuk menampung semua kenderaan penerima vaksin kerana tempatnya begitu luas. Saya tak pasti atas konteks kapasiti berapa banyak kereta boleh ditempatkan dalam satu masa, tapi ianya juga tidak akan menimbulkan masalah yang besar. 

Seterusnya adalah proses pendaftaran di mana saya merasakan banyak bantuan yang diberikan daripada sukarelawan dan anggota RELA bertugas. Mereka akan membantu memberitahu apa yang perlu dilakukan dan menunjukkan stesen-stesen yang perlu anda pergi. Oh, bagi satu-satu stesen, saya rasa ia tidak mengambil terlalu lama daripada masa anda semua kerana tempatnya besar dan kaunter bagi sesebuah stesen juga banyak. Selepas daftar, kita akan diarahkan untuk ke stesen konsultasi di mana kita akan bertemu dengan seorang doktor bagi mendengar taklimat dan nasihat mereka mengenai vaksin yang akan kita perolehi itu. Ketika itu, ambillah peluang itu untuk tanya sebanyak mana soalan dan ajukan keraguan anda supaya anda semua jelas mengenai vaksin COVID19 ini. 

Selepas itu? Masa untuk suntikan! Ada beberapa kubikel yang disediakan sebagai ruangan suntikan. Maka tiada masalah di situ. Mudah dan pantas. Anda tunggu untuk beberapa ketika sehingga tiba giliran anda dan ada ruangan yang kosong, anda boleh masuk dan dapatkan suntikan. Ha. Dekat sini. Untuk yang takut jarum, mungkin pada awal tu akan rasa cuak sedikit. Tapi bila dah dicucuk, tak rasa dah pun. Sekejap sangat masa untuk suntikan tu. 😅 Lepas suntikan, kita akan diarahkan ke stesen pemantauan di mana kita perlu berada di situ samada 15 atau 30 minit. Ianya bertujuan untuk memberi ruang bagi badan kita menerima vaksin tersebut. Sepanjang tempoh itu, sekiranya ada gejala signifikan yang anda rasakan, mudah untuk kita mendapatkan bantuan pihak bertugas. Nanti kalau dah sampai rumah, payah pulak nak dipantau, betul? 😬 Tetapi, untuk saya ketika itu, saya tidak merasakan apa-apa yang signifikan. Jadi saya okay je. Hahaha. 

Sudah selesai semua itu, kita akan dibenarkan untuk pulang dan lakukan pantauan kendiri. Ada nasihat yang diberikan untuk pantau selama 3 hari sekurang-kurang. Dalam tempoh itu, katanya normal untuk mengalami demam, sakit badan, sakit kepala dan seerti dengannya. Tetapi kalau lebih 3 hari, kita perlu ke klinik dan dapatkan rawatan secepatnya. Kalau tak ada, anda hebat! Gejala yang saya alami? Lain masa, lain hari kita cerita. Sebab rasa macam dah panjang. Serupa karangan Bahasa Malaysia SPM pula. 

Okie, semua? Terima kasih kerana sudi singgah dan baca blog saya. Jumpa lagi! 👋

14062021_2346

Happy Birthday to You!

 This post is dedicated for you. ((As if you gonna found my blog. Hahah.))

It is 27th of April, today. Your birthday, right? Happy birthday to you! I wish for eternal happiness and Allah's blessing for you. You deserves it. Thank you for being my friend. ((Friend ke? Hahahah.)) 

Thank you for everything. For every single thing. Really, I am thankful for that. A single thanks is not enough to show how grateful I am for knowing you. I dont know how to display it, but that's how I feel. For every advices, for every of my rant that you listen, for every moment that we spent. Thank you for existing. Though it is just temporary. But it is enough for me. 

I'm sorry for everything. Sorry for being mad at you. Sorry for scolding you. Sorry for hitting you. Hahaha. I'm sorry for all my wrongdoings. I always try to not have those kind of negative emotion. Tapi banyak kali je terlepas jugak. For that, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. 

Semoga segala urusan awak lepasni dipermudahkan. :) 

p/s: I'm out of words actually but all I know is to thank you. Again, thank you. For everything. For existing. May the best be with you. 

1316_27042021

Milestone.

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

I hope you guys are having a great day today. 

So the other day, I got to attend my first ever formal job interview with this one company. It is a 2:1 interview session where there is 2 panels of interviewer, and only me as the interviewee at that moment. During the session, one of the interviewer said that I was the last candidates of the day. Knowing myself, that fact kind of making me feels discouraged as the benchmark is already set. But nevermind, life must go on!

It was a fruitful session, I can say. I learn a lot from the interviewer especially on how to ensure I exposed myself more with bravery in embracing the opportunity given to me. It is a waste if we didnt actually taking advantage and fully utilizing whatever comes to us in order to polish ourself to be come better. 

I am glad that I got to attend the interview session though it was a very short duration. There is this one question that makes me re-think and re-evaluate myself. It is "if you are given the choices to choose between doing marketing and selling, or be at the back office as in the administration and whatnot, which one will you choose?" I only gave a short answer. But I think it could be a stage for me to express myself more. It happened, anyway. 

After quite some times, it makes me think back about what I had experienced back then when I was the cinema crew at GSCCLM. It is true that I prefer to be at the back, instead of interacting with many, many people. But, I dont want to be at the back forever. During the earlier days of me working as cinema crew, I was assigned to handle front counter in which providing customer services and entertaining customer's inquiry is our main job. It is frustrating that, for quite some times, I didnt performed well, as well as I am expected to, yet my superior still asked me to be at the front. 

I am always reluctant whenever I am asked to be at the front. I always think that I cant do it. But, since it is part of my job, I pushed myself to do it. Day by day, I can say that I'm not performing well. My biggest mistake is that I didnt achieve the sales target. If you asked me, I do asked my colleague and my superior, how should I do it, how to convince the customer to buy it? I really did what they told me to do in order to improve myself. For example, to observe how the top achiever do it. I tried to follow, yet I still failed. It is demotivating that I do not receive proper guidance on how and what should I do. Do you know how frustrating it is that you keep on thinking how are you supposed to perform everyday? Before you come to work, after you get off your work. Every single day, yet you still failed? 

Despite all this, me being myself, I still follow what they asked me to do and didnt voiced out my frustration. If I could turn back time, I wish I will be more brave to ask them on how should I improve myself especially when I am in the front. Even be more brave to voice out whatever that is not satisfy me. 

Back to the interview session, I believe in Allah. Kalau Dia kata, itu rezeki aku to build my career and myself, Alhamdulillah. I will take that opportunity to polish myself, enhance my knowledge and skills. On top of all, to build myself to be a better me in the future. Kalau bukan rezeki, I am glad that enough that I get to that stage, which is the interview itself. I'm glad that I get to meet the interviewers, someone with much experiences compared to me. I believe I do learn something from there. Thank you, Puan Fadzilah and Encik Aziz. 

1420_07032021

Nothing much. Just an update.

 Haluu samlekomm semorang!

Lama doh tak nulis sini kan? Konon berazam nak menulis sebulan sekali. Hahahah. Entahlah. Nak kata busy, macam lah busy sangat. Cuma taktau je nak blogging pasal apa. Lol. Cakap macam ada je yang baca engko punya blog ni. Poyo! 

So geng? Amacam? How is life treating you nowadays? You good, tak? I hope everyone is doing very very very well. Me? Hm. My life is as usual kot? Still with my thesis. Still going through this PKP after PKP. My health? It goes up and down. Ada masa it really kicks you until you fall down. Ada masa, rasa motivated gila for everything. I dont know lah. I'm missing our old, normal days. Where I got to go out whenever I want, doing works or meeting friends as I please. But now. Everything should be planned. Cannot impromptu sangat. Ah, poyo! As if. 

Tapi, to be honest, ada lah rasa macam, 'hm lantaklah semua'. Rasa malas dah  nak fikir dengan PKP ni semua kan. Selfish ke eh begini? I feel like I'm done with everything. Let just go with the flow. What happened, happens. Kan? 

Ha dah. Malas pulak membebel pepanjang. Sayounara, minna!